Sorry for all the personal shit lately guys. I’m just finding that it is a lot easier to express myself on tumblr then it is in real life. The people in my life aren’t all too comforting these days. I don’t feel as if I have anyone I can truly open my mind to and for that, I have no one I can really talk with.
Everybody is different. I get that. Everybody handles situations different. I get that too. There is no set rule or book of laws governing how feelings, people and relationships are handled or how they should go. Yet somehow, I still feel completely opposite to just about everybody else.
It’s like I have no emotion. I feel and often feel hard; however, it’s usually in regards to others. When it comes to myself I find that I am without caring. Utterly emotionless.
I want to be able to define what this is. To be able to answer people’s questions when they ask. But I can’t. And I don’t even know whether or not I really care. I see everybody else moving forward at quicker paces, taking larger steps, defining. All the while it’s like I’m content, only my mind remains unsettled.
Should I be there? Am I on the same page or is there something that I am missing? Am I just a filler or do I have a greater purpose…mean something more?
Why doesn’t my situation appear to be anything like what I am seeing everyday with everybody else? I have the same time frame and yet I’m about ten steps behind. And it isn’t so much a bother as it is my mind thinking that there is something wrong with me for not feeling as if anything should be changed or hastened.
Is it because my mind works differently? Because I don’t overthink every little action or every tiny word and just see things for how they are? Is it because I generally don’t worry about what everybody else is doing and have trained myself to just focus on how I’m feeling in the moment for every moment?
I don’t know. All I know is that I’m a prisoner within my own mind waiting for the right person to come with the key. When is that person going to come with the key?
And so I wait.